Tears - they are right there on the surface.

I broke down and made the call. I called the clinic that we saw a couple of weeks ago and asked them point-blank, if they would be willing to do a FET with donated embryos.   It didn't go too well. I nearly cried.

I asked if I found embryos, if they would transfer them, and our single frozen embryo.  A quick summary of their answer: "if the sun, moon and stars are in perfect alignment."

Apparently, I'm the first person to ask this question. They have their own "donor program", but it consists of maybe 1-2 a year, and they go only to couples who have really severe infertility issues.  I'm ok with this and think this is a very good idea. I realize there are others who have ickier fertility issues than we do.

First, she said they have never transferred 2 different people's embryos into the same person. Ever. She's not sure if they ever would.  She could not give me a straight answer.

Second, they could possibly transfer someone elses embryos if (and this wording could be wrong, she was talking fast and I was writing it down) ..if they have the "donor eligibility determination and summary of records."  Everything has to abide by FDA and ASRM guides.  The FDA part, I was familiar with, but not the ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine). Hey, I'm ok with doing this the "right" way. I'm not wanting to break rules here or anything.  At the same time, I cannot see how these clinics are doing it unethically.  But what do I know?

I just wanted to know if they would facilitate this or not. Yes or no. Simple answer. Or so I thought.  So, I guess I got my answer.

They would, however, be utterly delighted to do a fresh IVF cycle for a low price of $6800, plus ICSI $1200, plus assisted hatching $500.00. Oh, and don't forget the meds - $1000.  Grand total $9500.00.  We would be down with doing this, IF we hadn't already done 2 IVFs and dropped $20,000.00. 

She did suggest another option. We could try to transfer our frozen dude.  If the little guy doesn't thaw, we would just be out the cost of the meds. We would get most of the transfer fee back if it's not done. If we go through with the transfer, the cost is around $2,700.  (Plus meds)

I sound like a bad person, but I'm really not.  It even sounds kinda like we're trying to get a child the cheapest way possible. I'm not gonna lie and say money isn't a factor.  We truly thought the IVFs or fertility treatments we had would result in our family.  Failure was not something we even considered.

So now we're faced with monthly payments of 3 years of treatments, and no child.  My husband and I got married, bought a house and started the family path alot later than most.  We work our tails off and have done everything ourselves.  We've both been over our heads financially in the past, and we do not want to ever do that again.

Emotions are running through me again. I nearly cried talking with this lady. I'm sure she hears it every day.

It's just wrong that good people have to be put through this.  We just want a child.

Confusion has set in

So I am ok with adoption. I was ok with proceeding with adoption now. Maybe I still am. I woke up this morning at 4am, worrying about it.  Why?  Cause I'm insane? I'm the most indecisive woman in the world? You'd think the decision has to be made NOW, with the way I'm acting.  My husband is amazing but frustrating. He just rolls with whatever.  He is sooooo laid back. He's soooooo perfect for me. 

Yesterday, I was telling a friend about our RE appointment.  She's the most fertile woman in the world, and bless her heart, she doesn't try to understand everything, she just sits there and makes suggestions.  I don't think it's possible for fertile myrtles to even begin to grasp what we go through and I have a high respect for someone who is smart enough to not even try.   She's offered us the use of her womb.  She mentioned it to me a few months ago, which, of course, made me cry. I still cry thinking about it. It's the most self-less thing anyone can do.

I put it in the back of my mind, until yesterday she said "if you want my womb, use it now before I lose this 15lbs I gained".  (this 15lbs is not noticable, as she's 120lbs.) That one sentence has had me obsessing all night. She knows we have that single frozen embryo and feels it's a fighter and is THE one.

My husband and I have no reason to believe I could not carry a baby to term.  We haven't made it that far. But the comment really got me thinking through the whole thing again.  Thinking.  Blah.  I hate being indecisive. I excell at it. I could easily get the award for most indecisive. 

My major issue now goes back to that single tiny embryo we have frozen.  There are so many options we can do or not.  It would be perfect if we can find someone to donate us a couple of nice embryos, transfer them, along with our little frozen dude, and hope for the best.

The clinic we did the IVFs - fart on 'em. We're done with them.  The clinic we saw last week - they didn't seem to keen on messing with donated embryos.  If we can find a clinic that would be on board to coordinate the whole ordeal, for a reasonable cost, we'd be game.  There's not many RE clinics in KY and the surrounding area to choose from.

I'm ok with leaving the little frozen dude there a couple of years.  We can hopefully have a child through adoption and maybe the decision on the embryo will just happen naturally.  What if there are changes to embryo donation/adoption in the next couple of years? I see this happening as more people become aware of it.

If you know any clinics in the KY area that would help coordinate and transfer donated embryos, let me know. We're open for suggestions.

Attempting to Fact Seek...

My husband and I talked over the weekend and have decided to talk with another doctor.  (I actually mentioned that I get my Christmas fund in Oct or Nov that would pay for an office visit) Anyway, I'm at this point where I just need to know. I need to know if we should be reaching for embryo adoption/donation or newborn domestic adoption.

So, I called another RE, about 100 miles away.  I left a message yesterday morning with the clinic, asking they call me back to schedule an appointment. Their message said it can take up to 2 days for a return call! Holy Cow! 2 days just to SCHEDULE an appointment?! Good grief.

Well, they called today. I briefly explained our situation. We aren't wanting to do any more fresh IVFs, we have one frozen embryo, interested in embryo donation/adoption and want to know more about what the problem is so we can figure out if we need to proceed with domestic adoption. They said an IVF nurse will call me. IVF nurse called this afternoon, I told her the same thing as the first person, and was referred to the embryo adoption/donation nurse, where I left a message for a return call on her voicemail. 

Now I wait for a callback to see who I will referred to next.  I really want a second opinion, someone to look at my records and tell me what's going on.  Are my eggs too old? Is there a problem with my uterus or implantation? We know nothing more now than we did before the 2 IVFs.  Except that we had 2 failed IVFs and are $18K poorer.  I also want to know about their embryo donation/adoption program, what's involved and if it would maybe work for us.

So, we'll see, when I get a callback, hopefully tomorrow.