tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-40008273243546730882024-02-07T19:47:22.967-05:00My Therapeutic RamblingsIt's either this, or a padded room...Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-5643654329104963292009-11-21T21:35:00.000-05:002009-11-21T21:35:11.879-05:00Meeting mom, complete!We met V's mom the other day. It wasn't too bad. She cried. It was sad. I'm not sure she realizes what's going on and she has some serious issues. She thinks V, who is 12 weeks old, can talk and crawl. Ummm, yea, riiiight. The social worker said for us to just ignore her odd comments. That can be done.<br />
<br />
We take V to have supervised visits with mom 2 times a week for an hour. If mom completes her case plan, she will get V back. Dad also has a case plan he is to complete. Although I think he's still in jail. <br />
<br />
Initially little V was giving us a hard time eating. She's doing much better! We took her back to the doctor tomorrow and she had gained almost half a pound in 4 days! Yay! She's still got a ways to go, but she's doing so good, considering what she's been through. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, teenage mom and her baby are doing wonderfully. She applied for the local community college and is searching pretty hard for a job. She brought her grades home the other day and she had all A's and B's. We're so excited for her! She's going to have a busy month. Turning 18, graduating highschool, Christmas and recommitting to the foster system. We hope she stays on track and makes it. My husband and I plan to support her and her son as much as we can and we excitedly wait to see what she becomes. <br />
<br />
We're really enjoying our crazy life right now. As to that, I need to see about getting this kid to sleep.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-10931284456429118512009-11-16T08:44:00.000-05:002009-11-16T08:44:11.055-05:00A Teeeenie Tiny Baby!We picked little baby V from the hospital on Saturday afternoon. She's so tiny! Holy cow, she's 11 weeks old and 10 lbs. She's absolutely beautiful. So sweet, tiny and dainty. Such a little girl! <br />
<br />
The nurse told us they were feeding her 2-3.5 oz every 3 hours. She's not doing that at all for us. We can occasionally get her to eat 3oz, but mostly she eats 1-2 oz every now and then. She sleeps alot and doesn't eat very often throughout the day. We have an appointment with a pediatrician in a couple of hours and I'm hoping they can help me get more food to stay in her. She's so unbelievably tiny! <br />
<br />
We sat down and talked with little mommie T to explain everything, before she arrived. We were dreading it, because it's very important that she remain comfortable with us and know that we are still here for her and that nothing has changed. She seemed pretty cool with it. She went with us to pick out a few sleepers and we let her pick what she would wear home. She even went with us to the hospital, although they wouldn't let her up there.<br />
<br />
Thankfully the latest head MRI of baby V was normal. I saw some of her medical records. The mass on her brain is small and appears there is no major issues from it. Her rib fractures are healing, they think they are 3-6 weeks old. And all of her other fractures are also healing and were old as well. We were told she's just a perfect little happy baby. When I think about it, I want to cry. She had multiple fractures of her little body and was left to feel all that pain. She's felt pain her whole life. Yes, I have cried. <br />
<br />
Little mommie T has been afraid to touch her. I keep telling her that she's fine, and just this morning T held and cuddled her a bit before school. (yes, I'm taking the day off to sleep and get to know V some) So, T will come around, how could she not? <br />
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What happens next? Well, I located V's dad on Sex Offenders Registry. He was charged with Second Degree Sexual Assault with a Child. She has his nose. <br />
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We meet both parents (or one if dad is still in jail) one day this week for the family meeting. Truthfully, I am not looking forward to it so much. But it's par for the course and we have to do it.<br />
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Baby's waking up, so laters!Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-29698066514963459892009-11-13T07:56:00.000-05:002009-11-13T07:56:05.337-05:00Fostering... times 3....!! Holy Cow!Can they run IV drip of anti-anxiety meds? I'm j/k of course, but you're not gonna believe what we agreed to do yesterday. <br />
<br />
We got another call from our social worker for a placement. I cried. This tiny 3month old baby girl (OMG A GIRL!!) has apparently been beaten by her parents. She has fractured ribs, swollen arms and a mass on her brain. She's in the hospital now and they hope to release her today. They have already got emergency removal approved and are apparently investigating to arrest the parents. (Ya think?!) <br />
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My husband and I had 15 mins to decide. Take her - or Not. If we didn't already have 2 kiddos, we would, of course not hesitate. Kelly and I had a placement of 2 toddlers in the summer and it was just too much. I think we've got it in our heads that we can only handle 1 child, at the most. People raise 2+ kids every day. <br />
<br />
We agreed to take her. This means we are going to have 2 babies (a boy and a girl), 3 months old. They are a few weeks apart in age. The boy we have, belongs to his momma, who is also with us. I'm getting myself confused. Let's call teenage mom, T and her son J. New baby girl, let's call V. (goodness!)<br />
<br />
So, T and J live with us as foster kids. Mom is a great mom, her visits with J do not have to be supervised. She basically takes care of him. My husband and I help. We transport them wherever, make sure they have what they need, etc. Mom is really really good with him. We just kind of support and help her. She's graduating highschool the end of December, and my hopes are that after the holidays she can be independent enough for the two of them to move into an independent living facility. We'll see. I have a feeling that where she's been cooped up so long, I'm not sure how focused she will be when she gets more and more freedom. <br />
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If mom doesn't stay focused and get her crap together, stay on plan and stuff, she will be removed and J will stay with us. It's too early to tell what path mom will take.<br />
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Isn't it wierd how things come together? We actually have an extra baby carseat, that someone gave us ages ago and we never used it. One of our main issues - transportation. I have a Toyota Corolla. Hubby has a Nissan Sentra. Not necessarily good baby/family cars. With J, the passenger in my car already sits with their knees in the dash. Last night we got the second carseat installed. WOW, it was awesome! It's actually smaller! I can drive, with it behind me, and not have to move my seat! ALSO, my daycare is the best ever. I called the day we got J, they had an opening (which NEVER happens). Then, I mentioned the second placement to them yesterday...they're gonna fit us in! OMG, I'm near tears with how everything is falling into place!<br />
<br />
Down to earth time - I must stay focused. This new placement, the family is from a different state. I'm pretty much ready for a relative to be located in the next week or so and the child be given to them. There is so little they know about the family, becuase they just moved here recently. So, she may not be with us forever, or she may. It's still too early to tell. <br />
<br />
One thing that we have to be prepared for is the damage done to this tiny baby. Will she be delayed? Will she need surgery? Will the mass in her brain worsen or cause other major issues? It's too early to tell at this point, but we're prepared to take on whatever comes out way.<br />
<br />
My husband and I totally believe things happen for a reason. The way things are falling into place, we're confident this is the path we are to take and will approach it head-on!Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-64210561287208140032009-11-12T07:57:00.002-05:002009-11-12T12:58:23.125-05:00Fostering..The learning begins.Our mom and baby came to us on Monday. Mom looked as scared and terrified as we felt. We both quickly voiced our anxiety, which was a bit of an ice breaker. So far so good. I know it's still very early in the honeymoon stage, so I won't say too much. Everything's going great so far. She's listening to us, seems to be a good mom, and seems to want to do the right thing. So far, anyway. Time will tell.<br />
<br />
However, I learned something interesting. Foster kids can also become wards of the state when they are unruly or "beyond parental control". The parents don't necessarily have to be bad parents. If the parents can't control you, you can just go live with a bunch of strangers? In her case, there is probably more to it, but good grief, the system seems wierd. <br />
<br />
So, apparently a few years ago, she was a wild child. She said she was on the run from the state, AWOL. Living on the streets. Her mom (her father is deceased) had hid her out, so that's why she can't stay with mom. Hmm. I'm baffled. It may make more sense to me once we find out more about her past. <br />
<br />
But the baby! OMG! He's absolutely adorable! And such an angel! He smiles and grins all the time! You just talk to him and he grins so big! I took him to daycare the other day and he has those girls all ga ga over him! He just takes to anyone and so far seems to be the perfect little baby! My husband is so cute with him. He sits him up and talks to him, lets him lay on his tummy. (that is what men's tummy's were made for ya know!) So, we're all enjoying him tons!<br />
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I'll update as I can, but you can just imagine how chaotic everything is.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-15120044117618277072009-11-08T20:20:00.005-05:002009-11-08T20:32:11.880-05:00Mister Fix-It - He Is Not! But He Did!An amazing thing happened today. My husband did something really really B I G today. This is gargantuan. Huge. New York Times worthy!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">*drumroll please!*<br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><strong>He fixed the stopper on the last bathroom sink!</strong><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaB3SHfll0KkpLJv2Sy_sxzIahsqVOmNw3MlEa4juyVshUZxywNnLikWgaICdpXHbhTg-H5iNrGMqwMqJJOPD1IzAoAcPrUps0fScwEVTvtam9GoTl39kjMNEKYavu-_wPt2v3vjzO7K4/s1600-h/clapping.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" sr="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaB3SHfll0KkpLJv2Sy_sxzIahsqVOmNw3MlEa4juyVshUZxywNnLikWgaICdpXHbhTg-H5iNrGMqwMqJJOPD1IzAoAcPrUps0fScwEVTvtam9GoTl39kjMNEKYavu-_wPt2v3vjzO7K4/s320/clapping.jpg" /></a><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;">*insert loud cheers here*<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><br />
My hubby is awesome. I love him dearly and can't imagine life without him. However, mister fix it, he is not. We have 2.5 bathrooms and a total of 4 sinks. For some reason, the stoppers in 3 of them broke ...about 3 years ago. <br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">He fixed one almost immediately. He spent the most of a weekend (or maybe two, I can't recall exactly) buried in the cabinet under the sink and actually cut the top of his head. I heard many choice words and a bunch of "screw this" comments. He was even ready to call a plumber! I can't even begin to imagine how much that would cost!<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">Somewhere along the years, my persistence paid off and he repaired a second one. I don't think it took as long and no blood shed.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;">THEN ! Today, IT happened! He fixed the LAST one! No blood or cursing, and it only took the afternoon!<br />
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The gaping holes at the bottom of the sinks are now closed! My earrings and rings are safe from falling down the drain! Yippeee!<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
My hubby rocks the planet!<br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div>Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-64885036587373372402009-11-07T18:01:00.001-05:002009-11-07T18:02:05.426-05:00Accepted a Foster Placement! Yay!We got a call from our social worker the other day about a placement. 17 year old girl with her 3 month old baby boy. She turns 18 and graduates highschool next month. They just need a place for them to stay until they are able to get them into an independent living facility. They think, at most, 6 months. <br />
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I learned something interesting about the foster system the other day. I had always thought when you turned 18, you're on your own and are dropped into the real world. Well, foster kids can chose to 'recommit'. I'm told if they decide to stay in school, go for some type of secondary education, the state will keep them in the system and pay for everything. They will get their tuition and everything paid, just as before they were 18. <br />
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Why would kids NOT do this? It's totally awesome. Most kids really aren't ready to be let loose in the real world at 18 and foster kids are even less ready. <br />
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So, this girl supposedly plans to recommit when she's 18 and go back to school. My husband and I will provide them a place to stay and provide mentoring to help get her ready for the real world. <br />
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We're a little nervous. Ok, we're alot nervous. She's been in the system for many years. Thankfully she has no criminal record or any major issues. The social worker will bring her and the baby to us on Monday. We will all sit down and work out a "contract" of expectations. We want to lay it on the table up front, what we expect from her and what she can expect from us. <br />
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This isn't really the type of placement we initially agreed to do. But we're just sitting here, with the extra space and ability - why not do something while we wait? <br />
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I hope this works, because we totally love the idea of giving kids support and helping them be independent and make it on their own. They've had such a crappy life and if we can make a small difference, then we are happy with that!Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-67740834873068931362009-10-30T19:42:00.000-04:002009-10-30T19:42:39.944-04:00Tears - they are right there on the surface.I broke down and made the call. I called the clinic that we saw a couple of weeks ago and asked them point-blank, if they would be willing to do a FET with donated embryos. It didn't go too well. I nearly cried. <br />
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I asked if I found embryos, if they would transfer them, and our single frozen embryo. A quick summary of their answer: "if the sun, moon and stars are in perfect alignment."<br />
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Apparently, I'm the first person to ask this question. They have their own "donor program", but it consists of maybe 1-2 a year, and they go only to couples who have really severe infertility issues. I'm ok with this and think this is a very good idea. I realize there are others who have ickier fertility issues than we do. <br />
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First, she said they have never transferred 2 different people's embryos into the same person. Ever. She's not sure if they ever would. She could not give me a straight answer.<br />
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Second, they could possibly transfer someone elses embryos if (and this wording could be wrong, she was talking fast and I was writing it down) ..if they have the "donor eligibility determination and summary of records." Everything has to abide by FDA and ASRM guides. The FDA part, I was familiar with, but not the ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine). Hey, I'm ok with doing this the "right" way. I'm not wanting to break rules here or anything. At the same time, I cannot see how these clinics are doing it unethically. But what do I know?<br />
<br />
I just wanted to know if they would facilitate this or not. Yes or no. Simple answer. Or so I thought. So, I guess I got my answer. <br />
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They would, however, be utterly delighted to do a fresh IVF cycle for a low price of $6800, plus ICSI $1200, plus assisted hatching $500.00. Oh, and don't forget the meds - $1000. Grand total $9500.00. We would be down with doing this, IF we hadn't already done 2 IVFs and dropped $20,000.00. <br />
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She did suggest another option. We could try to transfer our frozen dude. If the little guy doesn't thaw, we would just be out the cost of the meds. We would get most of the transfer fee back if it's not done. If we go through with the transfer, the cost is around $2,700. (Plus meds)<br />
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I sound like a bad person, but I'm really not. It even sounds kinda like we're trying to get a child the cheapest way possible. I'm not gonna lie and say money isn't a factor. We truly thought the IVFs or fertility treatments we had would result in our family. Failure was not something we even considered.<br />
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So now we're faced with monthly payments of 3 years of treatments, and no child. My husband and I got married, bought a house and started the family path alot later than most. We work our tails off and have done everything ourselves. We've both been over our heads financially in the past, and we do not want to ever do that again. <br />
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Emotions are running through me again. I nearly cried talking with this lady. I'm sure she hears it every day. <br />
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It's just wrong that good people have to be put through this. We just want a child.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-11908501914383000422009-10-26T13:06:00.000-04:002009-10-26T13:06:43.995-04:00Age old question...Dealing with Fertile FranniesYou know them, people that looked at a calendar and chose x day to have sex and get pregnant. They chose x day because they can be pregnant a certain time of year, or be off work for the summer. They also did this 2 or more times, and in a few years, they have the perfect family they planned to have since they were 10. They can tell you the exact day and time each of their children were concieved. <br />
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This is great. I'm happy for them. I'm happy their lives work out so well for them. I'm happy they can trace their children back to cell-life. The cynic side of me wonders why stop there, why can't they trace back further? I mean, good grief, do it all the way or not at all. <br />
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I truly am not upset with them personally. It's great that people are so fertile. It's great that families are built so easily for a majority of the world. I would not wish infertility on anyone. <br />
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So, how does one deal with the fertile frannies who say "just chill, it'll happen", "you'll get pregnant when you least expect it", "if you just stop worrying, it'll happen." Oh, my favorites, "my sisters, boyfriend's, aunt's, neice got pregnant when she was riding the tilt-a-whirl at the county fair". I could go on and on. These have never bothered me before, but they are now. <br />
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In theory, it does make sense. But we're not really strung out worrying, we are just ready for a child. We're tired of messing around with this and that "hoping" for the best. We're ready to take whatever path that will lead us to a child. One of our own. That will stay with us. Live with us. That we can love and cherish. Be ours. <br />
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So, how does one deal with the comments? When distant friends/relatives mention it, I can brush it off. But when close friends mention it, not so much. Friends that have been with us through it all. They have seen the pain. See the dreams. How do you respond to them when they make those comments? They mean well. It doesn't mean it hurts any less. <br />
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I am obsessing some. Just a little. I don't feel too stressed out about it. I just have to be busy researching and I have to work towards a goal or path. If I just sit and do nothing, I'll go crazy, or craizer. <br />
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How do you keep from being bitter? Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-42193370321175176892009-10-20T07:48:00.000-04:002009-10-20T07:48:39.031-04:00Confusion has set inSo I am ok with adoption. I was ok with proceeding with adoption now. Maybe I still am. I woke up this morning at 4am, worrying about it. Why? Cause I'm insane? I'm the most indecisive woman in the world? You'd think the decision has to be made NOW, with the way I'm acting. My husband is amazing but frustrating. He just rolls with whatever. He is sooooo laid back. He's soooooo perfect for me. <br />
<br />
Yesterday, I was telling a friend about our RE appointment. She's the most fertile woman in the world, and bless her heart, she doesn't try to understand everything, she just sits there and makes suggestions. I don't think it's possible for fertile myrtles to even begin to grasp what we go through and I have a high respect for someone who is smart enough to not even try. She's offered us the use of her womb. She mentioned it to me a few months ago, which, of course, made me cry. I still cry thinking about it. It's the most self-less thing anyone can do.<br />
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I put it in the back of my mind, until yesterday she said "if you want my womb, use it now before I lose this 15lbs I gained". (this 15lbs is not noticable, as she's 120lbs.) That one sentence has had me obsessing all night. She knows we have that single frozen embryo and feels it's a fighter and is THE one. <br />
<br />
My husband and I have no reason to believe I could not carry a baby to term. We haven't made it that far. But the comment really got me thinking through the whole thing again. Thinking. Blah. I hate being indecisive. I excell at it. I could easily get the award for most indecisive. <br />
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My major issue now goes back to that single tiny embryo we have frozen. There are so many options we can do or not. It would be perfect if we can find someone to donate us a couple of nice embryos, transfer them, along with our little frozen dude, and hope for the best. <br />
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The clinic we did the IVFs - fart on 'em. We're done with them. The clinic we saw last week - they didn't seem to keen on messing with donated embryos. If we can find a clinic that would be on board to coordinate the whole ordeal, for a reasonable cost, we'd be game. There's not many RE clinics in KY and the surrounding area to choose from. <br />
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I'm ok with leaving the little frozen dude there a couple of years. We can hopefully have a child through adoption and maybe the decision on the embryo will just happen naturally. What if there are changes to embryo donation/adoption in the next couple of years? I see this happening as more people become aware of it. <br />
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If you know any clinics in the KY area that would help coordinate and transfer donated embryos, let me know. We're open for suggestions.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-9737745755383913062009-10-18T15:59:00.001-04:002009-10-18T16:01:22.673-04:00Second Opinion REWe saw the new RE on Thursday. We were impressed. He actually had a personality. Specialists usually tend to not be very personable, so we weren't expecting much in the personality arena. We were pleasantly surprised that he was kinda nice. It didn't seem like he was giving us his 'scripted' evaluation. <br />
<br />
He looked over all of our records and saw nothing that seemed to be amiss. He said they do about 5 times more IVFs than the other clinic, and maybe their lab just didn't work well for us. He said they have had many patients get pregnant with them, after having multiple failed IVFs elsewhere. Suggested ICSI with assisted hatching and transfer of 2 embryos. They could transfer 3, but he's having a high amount of triplets lately. "So if you'll just see Cheryl, and write a check for $12,000.00, we'll get you scheduled right away".<br />
<br />
I've not seen many specialists before. Thankfully, I'm fairly healthy. However, I still get the feeling that I'm at a car lot or an insurance sales office. I can almost hear the salesman say "you pay, we do whatever you want". This clinic was much more subtle about it, but I couldn't help but have that feeling. Salesmen with Power.<br />
<br />
So, they checked my records, measured my uterus and the size of my ovaries. Everything looked fine, apparently. He said they can do a semen analysis on my husband and a laproscopy on me and try IUI route again, or we can go straight to IVF. They apparently do better, more thorough testing on semen. The laproscopy would help determine if my tubes are open enough to allow the eggs to pass through to meet the sperm. Apparently tubes can get scarred and icky from just normal ovulation and age. Who'd a thought. Anyway, we've had 3-4 IUIs, and multiple regular semen analysis'. We all know his guys are messed up and he has low numbers. I'm not convinced IUI's would result in anything more than an even emptier wallet. Although we are both somewhat relieved to hear there's nothing majorly amiss with our past IVFs, we're at a different crossroad. <br />
<br />
We could: <br />
<ol><li>Do the semen analysis, laproscopy, IUI route - which is not cheap - I'm guessing somewhere around $5,000.00 at this clinic, and hope for a different result than last 3-4</li>
<li>Do another round of IVF - at a cost of around $12K, plus drive time and lots of time away from work--the clinic is 1.5 hours away from home, and hope for a different result than the last 2</li>
<li>Domestic adoption</li>
</ol>I believe we're leaning towards domestic adoption at this point. Anyone know anything about the Adoption Tax Credit for 2009? Anyone used the Adoption Tax Credit in the past? Does it work as clearly as I think it does? Does the government actually write you a check for $10K+ ?Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-36776356985457853982009-10-04T10:57:00.004-04:002009-10-04T11:22:35.339-04:00BOOK: "Budgeting for Infertility" by Sterling and Best-BossI just got this book, <em>Budgeting for Infertility</em> by Evelina Weidman Sterling and Angie Best-Boss from <a href="http://www.paperbackswap.com/">http://www.paperbackswap.com/</a> . I'm only about 30 pages in, and WOW. I wish I had it 3 years and 2 IVFs ago. Maybe it would have put everything into perspective before getting stuck in the middle of it. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy_nozncEaY4F3ICzroM8kMfRVaL26HeW53LDlJ1EgAHhaTdY9Vl5PdPhndZeL_Kpz6bF_fgJsv-Za5ty6sQdz8bQzHo6CEleDADZlirDHIHVP8A4BtRViGXnmRWp7GkzYAx87sMZxHlc/s1600-h/Budgeting+for+Infertility+pic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img $r="true" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy_nozncEaY4F3ICzroM8kMfRVaL26HeW53LDlJ1EgAHhaTdY9Vl5PdPhndZeL_Kpz6bF_fgJsv-Za5ty6sQdz8bQzHo6CEleDADZlirDHIHVP8A4BtRViGXnmRWp7GkzYAx87sMZxHlc/s320/Budgeting+for+Infertility+pic.jpg" /></a><br />
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So far everything is making sense. These gals seem very common sense oriented. They address dealing with insurance, fertility clinics, and budgeting for it all. There's already comments made that I have thought/made myself. I know I'm not the sole-infertility patient, but this stuff reminds me that my thoughts and feelings are normal. <br />
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Looking back, I would have done so many things differently. Hindsight is 20/20, I guess. It's really wierd. When you've had what feels like 40 Climid rounds, IUIs, ultrasounds, vials of blood, appointments, tests, etc, it's hard to stop, step back and look before doing "the next step". I didn't realize it at the time. It just made sense and was "the next step", so we did it. There was no thought that we would not get pregnant in the end. We just thought this was the path we have to take to get pregnant. We never dreamt at the end of the path we wouldn't be a family. I always new I would need help, and would have to go through this crap. It was just the price I had to pay for a family. <br />
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Right now I'm dealing with thinking about having a child 24/7. It's all-consuming. Yesterday's weather was amazing, so we went to a couple of fall festivals. I saw so many babies. Time was, I never really noticed or paid attention to them. But for some reason, I could not keep from noticing. I should have started counting.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-39951343701562862222009-09-30T21:16:00.001-04:002009-09-30T21:18:13.361-04:00Hi Ya'll ! - Delving into my weight... lossWow, first comments. How cool is that! Thanks guys!<br />
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I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I've been going to a bariatric clinic the last year or so to lose weight. I go every 4 weeks, they check my blood pressure, give me a pep talk, give me a load of medication, and take my money. <br />
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I started going to this doctor/clinic last fall to lose weight for the 2nd IVF. Their program worked. The IVF did not. <br />
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I've never been much of a dieter. I have been overweight most of my life, and have been pretty comfortable. I have gone about life pretty much eating whatever I want and doing whatever I want. It had not really bothered me that I'm a chunky monkey. That is...until infertility smacked me in the face. It all changed. To give myself the best chance for the IVF/pregnancy to work, I knew I had to lose weight. I was more motivated than I have ever been about anything.<br />
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I've lost 37 pounds so far! yaay! The last few visits, the weight loss hadn't been that great, so yesterday she changed some things around. Basically I take a multi-vitamin, Fish Oil, Chromate (something_or_other) and a small dose of Phentermine. I'm also on the normal PCOS crap - Metformin and Spironolactone. You should see my pill dispenser at work, I've got something for everyone! heh heh<br />
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I'm now 194.2 (my scale says 192). I haven't been under 200lbs in a bazillion years. I don't believe the medication is the key to the weight loss, however. Yes, I can tell a difference when I skip them. But I'm learning to eat again. I eat very few carbohydrates and I eat alot more protein. Looking back, I was eating carbs 3 meals a day and very little protein. Some days no protein at all. <br />
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When was the last time you went to a restaurant and NOT order french fries? I realized I was eating certain things because I always ate those things. I always got fries with the burger. I always got breadsticks and pasta at Olive Garden. There are other things to eat, and there are other things on the menu. It just takes more effort. More planning. More gumption.<br />
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Have I mastered eating better? Not by a long shot. Do I have bad days? Ooooh yea. Will I keep the weight off? Holy cow, I hope so!Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-20698226869328961642009-09-22T19:50:00.002-04:002009-09-30T21:18:47.901-04:00Are all fertility clinics the same?Do all fertility clinics work the same way? Are they all fighting to see who can do the most IVFs? What ever happend to personal care? Do they all have a "script" and procedure that they use 600 times a day to 600 emotionally drained patients? Do they all spend 3mins or less giving you the script and charging $300?<br />
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I just got the informational packet from the fertility clinic we're due to see next month. IVF IVF IVF. Honestly, do they do anything else? You should see their price list. Holy Cow! It's off the charts. They should be ashamed. <br />
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I'm trying to look outside the box. I've not seen this doctor before, so I have no idea what to expect. I'm told that he's awesome. Specialists don't really have the best bedside manner, of which, I'm ok with. Just use all that medical knowledge you've obtained the last 20 years or so, read my file, ask me some questions, spend 4mins (instead of 3) with me and give me your opinion. (I'll be ok to pay you the $300!) See how that works? <br />
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I completed my paperwork. I'll make copies of my old records and I'll mail everything to them early next week. They should have everything they need for my appointment Oct 15. SHOULD is the key word here. First test of competency!Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-49380065021017975702009-09-21T20:45:00.001-04:002009-09-30T21:19:33.720-04:00Holy Cow! I just got my...my...PERIOD! (TMI Alert!)My husband and I have been TTC for 3.5 years. Prior to that, I went probably 10+ years without a period. Doctors didn't seem to be worried and I just rolled along without much of a worry. Throughout the last 3 years, the occasional periods I had were medically induced.<br />
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You may or may not know, I've lost 37lbs (and still losing, thankyouverymuch) since last summer. I have been told by many, that losing weight will sometimes cause you to start having periods again. I didn't believe them..until now. I have been having periods! I've only just started documenting the days the last couple of months, but I'm having periods around 29-34 days. Simply amazing! <br />
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What does this mean? I mean, aside from very very noticible PMS, cramping, and other fun things happen to my body every month? I was totally spoiled to not have periods for 10 years.<br />
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I have no idea what it means. Do you?Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-25867253914106794782009-09-17T19:18:00.000-04:002009-09-17T19:18:14.836-04:00Well, we got a date...with a gold speculum!I ended up talking with 3 different women at the clinic. I explained to each of them that we need advice of an expert, someone who can look at our file and tell us what's going on. Basically do what our other crappy doctor should have done. <br />
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I nearly ended up in tears with the last phone call. She was the donate/adoption embryo nurse. They do embryo donations in their clinic, but only have about 3 a year. They have very strict guidelines and not many people donate. Oh, and the cost of transferring donated embryos through their office...$8,000.00 ! Are you kidding me?! Do they use a gold speculum?<br />
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She wasn't at all familiar with Miracles Waiting and didn't seem at all interested in dealing with any embryos outside of their clinic.<br />
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We don't really want to do another fresh IVF. We want to know what chance there is of our frozen embryo, actually surviving. Basically just tell us what the heck is going on and any suggestions to do or not to do. Our appointment is Oct 15. I'll have my paperwork filled out and I will mail them a copy of all my records. If I walk into that office, and that doctor waltzes in, spouts some repetitive mumbo-jumbo that he tells everyone...I'm going to explode into screaming hysterics. I won't be responsible for my actions at that point. I may even attack. <br />
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But then, a part of me is still interested in the embryo donation route. What does one do when there are no clinics nearby? I'm already traveling 100miles to his office. <br />
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I feel that after this appointment, we will have a better understanding of our problems and will be better equipped to decide on our next course of action.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-4571249335197325642009-09-15T18:59:00.001-04:002009-09-30T21:20:53.664-04:00Attempting to Fact Seek...My husband and I talked over the weekend and have decided to talk with another doctor. (I actually mentioned that I get my Christmas fund in Oct or Nov that would pay for an office visit) Anyway, I'm at this point where I just need to know. I need to know if we should be reaching for embryo adoption/donation or newborn domestic adoption. <br />
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So, I called another RE, about 100 miles away. I left a message yesterday morning with the clinic, asking they call me back to schedule an appointment. Their message said it can take up to 2 days for a return call! Holy Cow! 2 days just to SCHEDULE an appointment?! Good grief. <br />
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Well, they called today. I briefly explained our situation. We aren't wanting to do any more fresh IVFs, we have one frozen embryo, interested in embryo donation/adoption and want to know more about what the problem is so we can figure out if we need to proceed with domestic adoption. They said an IVF nurse will call me. IVF nurse called this afternoon, I told her the same thing as the first person, and was referred to the embryo adoption/donation nurse, where I left a message for a return call on her voicemail. <br />
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Now I wait for a callback to see who I will referred to next. I really want a second opinion, someone to look at my records and tell me what's going on. Are my eggs too old? Is there a problem with my uterus or implantation? We know nothing more now than we did before the 2 IVFs. Except that we had 2 failed IVFs and are $18K poorer. I also want to know about their embryo donation/adoption program, what's involved and if it would maybe work for us. <br />
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So, we'll see, when I get a callback, hopefully tomorrow.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-85446332941893902762009-09-11T21:34:00.000-04:002009-09-11T21:34:57.606-04:00Ahhh, Please tell me more about your perfect life.Well, as you may or may not know, my husband and I are approved foster parents. We don't actually have any kids placed with us right now. We completed MAPP classes April 2009 and have had 1 placement of a boy/girl sibling group since then. They were with us 7 weeks and were returned to their parents. They were really sweet kids. We had a good time and learned alot from that placement.<br />
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We entered the Foster program for 2 main reasons. <br />
1. to possibly have a baby/young child land in our laps for us to later adopt. <br />
2. to help some beautiful children, and have a little fun- while waiting for #1.<br />
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We've had a few calls for other placements since the first placement left, but have declined them. We realize that most, if not all, of the kids in foster care have alot of baggage and icky issues. We want to try to not get in over our heads and we are being somewhat selective. Since we have no kids of our own, and have fairly limited parenting experience, we don't want to make situations worse. <br />
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I believe we are officially over the "trauma" of the first placement, and are now ready to take on another!<br />
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Our social worker met with us today for her quarterly visit. Basically, she just reiterated that the liklihood of us having a single tiny baby placed in our arms, is very slim. This was nice to hear.<br />
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The ups and downs with all this infertility/family business is making me crazy. One minute I'm excited and happy, thinking the perfect child is just around the corner. The next minute, I'm near tears and depressed and see no hope in sight. <br />
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It doesn't help that I know people who have had 2 kids in the time I'm trying for ONE. Every day at work (and trust me it is EVERY day) I hear story after story of someone who's pregnant, some baby's birth, some baby's actions, etc. blah blah blah. I have enjoyed hearing about everything. I'm like a sponge. Soaking up everything everyone tells me. Thinking that maybe one day I'll need the information. <br />
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However, lately, I'm not feeling so interested about hearing the ins and outs of it all. I'm even feeling some anger. I don't like feeling anger, especially against people and their happiness. I know this is all something I need to work on, and I will. I will get through it. I always do.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-34513463574233171282009-09-07T20:59:00.002-04:002009-09-07T21:03:07.940-04:00I Simply LOVE the Waiting Game!How does one show sarcasm on blogs? Well, surround the above title with as much sarcasm as you can muster, please. <br />
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So we wait. I am the worlds least patient person. That's why my husband is so good for me. I've been up to my elbows in water all bloody weekend. (literally, see my <a href="http://myaquariumaddiction.blogspot.com/">other blog)</a> Actually, it doesn't really tell what I've been doing this weekend. It's a work in progress and I have a bunch of entries to get it caught up to present day. In a nutshell, I've been working on my aquariums this weekend. I've had water up to my armpits and have even flooded my floor at least 3 times. <br />
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Funny thing is, I've had aquariums all these years, and this is the first time I've ever managed to dump tons and tons of water in the floor - and I managed to do it THREE times this weekend. I think I've lost my mind.<br />
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I paid a few bills a bit ago. This may sound crude, but honestly, money is the only thing keeping us from going down the baby or embryo adoption road right now. I hate saying that, but it's the truth. Paying for 2 IVFs is not freaking cheap.We did not have that money just laying around in our bank. Neither of our familes are rich. We don't have a trust fund. We don't make a kazillion dollars a year. I do have a dead-beat dad, who could probably afford it, but he'd rather spend excessive amounts of money on bass boats, fishing trips, campers and bailling his drug addict step-daughter out of jail. We did not inherit $15K. We will not inherit $15K. We are simply the normal, average, middle class couple trying to make it each day at a time. Everything we have right now, 2 cars (one is nearing 10yrs old), home, clothes, etc, was done strictly by ourselves. Well, we do have a bit of debt, but what bloody American doesn't?<br />
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So, until we become less-debted, there will be no family-making-attempts (fertility-wise). I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking the same thing. Why in the world would we go in debt for a child, in a time where our economy is the worst? Why indeed? A bit of the insanity popping out, I suspect. If not now, when?<br />
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How many of you, have said to your husband (or husband said to you) "We'll go ahead with the BLAH, it's only $200, it may work for us" See, that's how it starts. ONLY $200 here. ONLY $250 there. Then it becomes, "we can't stop here, we've come so far". The spiral continues, until you look up one day and you wonder what happened to the last 3 years and $15K. You also wonder why your heart feels emptier and wonder if you'll ever reach the path that will lead you to the child at the end. <br />
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Waiting. I really really really want to try Miracles Waiting. But I'm trying to be strong and not go there right now. We must wait. Let's just let nature take it's course for a while. <br />
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Nature has never been that good to me, however.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-71648697834492181122009-09-03T19:46:00.000-04:002009-09-03T19:46:58.218-04:00Life...continued. Page 3So, we've had 2 fresh IVF's and transferred a total of 6 excellent quality embryos. We have one, lonely, embryo still frozen, 2 ugly payments a month, and an emptier heart, to show. <br />
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Yup, this sucks. I won't say the last 3 years have been easy. I also won't say that I would not do things differently. The biggest thing that's really bothering me is the way the clinic just dropped us. I have had a total of 2 phone calls, less than 2 mins long, with the clinics nurse, since our last IVF. They didn't even offer to meet with us to talk about what went wrong. Looking back at the whole process, it's very similar to an assembly line. No personal smiles, words, discussions. Everything that was said or done to us was scripted or repeated with every single patient. I truly believe they did the same exact program with every single patient. How is that possible? How could they do that? We feel totally ripped off. Is this normal? Does anyone else feel this way?<br />
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We went through 3 years of fertility treatments, including the 2 IVFs and we don't know anything more now, than we did 3 years ago. It's almost like everything we did in the last 3 years, to try to have a baby, were done for nothing. <br />
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Why did we still continue going to the clinic? There's no explaination, other than at the time, it felt like the right thing to do. We live and learn, I guess. <br />
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What next?<br />
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Financially tapped. Emotionally drained. Exhausted. Frustrated. Uncertain. Confused. etc. <br />
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Knowing we had to do something, we can't just sit around and do nothing! We took MAPP classes to become Foster Parents, around April 2009. Our plan is to ultimately have the perfect, young child drop in our lap, and adopt them. We figured we're not really in a position to do anything else, so may as well try to expand our family through foster/adopt. If no adoption, we've got the satisfaction of helping out some beautiful children. Plus, we have fun! <br />
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So far we've had one placement of a sibling group of 2. They were with us for about 7 weeks and then returned home to their parents. We've had a couple of calls for other placements since then, but are being a bit more "picky". <br />
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That's pretty much the very abbreviated run through our life in the last 3 years. I skipped over my weight loss (which is continuing!) and other stuff I can't think about right now.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-27432010390035733312009-09-03T08:11:00.000-04:002009-09-03T08:11:37.551-04:00Life ..ContinuedWe tried 2 fresh IVFs in 2008. My health insurance paid for a few of the medications on the first one, but otherwise, we paid everything out of pocket. Actually, we're still paying. 2 payments. Every month. These things aren't cheap. Think new car. Retirement. College education. You get it.<br />
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The first IVF early 2008 they were able to fertilize 4 - using ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection). This is where they take my husbands sperm and inject it straight into the egg. Since my husband's dudes weren't in the best shape, this ensured some eggs fertilized. So, we had 4 happy embryos and decided to transfer 3. I believe they were transferred day 3, but can't be for certain. They transferred without problems, but no baby. <br />
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We then were left with a sticky delima...1 single, lonely embryo. Frozen, in a tube, all by itself. We decided to leave that little ray of hope in the freezer for a bit, and try for IVF #2. I had some medication left over (that stuff ain't cheap, either) so we decided to try a second IVF later in 2008. We increased the Bravelle, because this was it for us. No more. We wanted to try to get as many good embryos as we could. <br />
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October 2008, they were able to retrieve many eggs and after ICSI, we had 10ish embryos. I say 10ish, because I can't remember for sure, and want to think maybe we had 12, but can't swear to it. Anyway, they called us every now and then to give us updates. We had a 5 day transfer, I believe. We transferred 3, I think. Or maybe 2. Again, I can't remember for sure. <br />
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Then, we waited. We all know about the waiting. It's brutal. There's no way to explain it to people who haven't experienced it. The Thanksgiving holiday was there, making it harder, since offices and clinics close. Stupid holidays! <br />
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We never really got a call from the lab on the final status of our embryos. Last we had heard they were all doing wonderfully and everything looked good. I assumed it was due to the holiday and figured everything was ok. I can't exactly remember the exact course of everything, but I believe stupid aunt flo had arrived over Thanksgiving weekend. Prior to this fertility stuff, I had gone 10 years without a period. So you can imagine my disgust. <br />
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Then, I went in to get the order for a blood pregnancy test. (this is another brutal formality they make us go through) I had to pick the order up from the clinic, and then go downstairs to the lab for the blood to be drawn. My husband sat in the car, because I told him I would only be about 10 mins. I was just going in to have a vial of blood taken, not a big deal. While in the clinic, I saw the lab tech in the hall and just quickly, in passing, asked her how our little embryos are doing and how many we were able to freeze. She pulled me aside and then proceeded to tell me she called. I had got nothing from her. No message. No call. No nothing. I suspect she didn't call. <br />
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Anyway, standing there in the hall, I was alone. People were walking around working as usual. She told me they were not able to freeze ANY of the embryos. I was speechless. Could not wait to get out of the office and into my husbands arms. <br />
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...to be continued...againRachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-90726073305654455772009-09-02T07:58:00.002-04:002009-09-24T07:54:09.534-04:00Life has an interesting way of showing itself.My husband and I made a concerted effort to remain childless before we met. It was very important for us to wait until the time was right for us to begin a family. This time took longer that most couples, but we were ok with that. <br />
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I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I won't go into major details, you can google just like anyone. But it basically creates all sorts of medical issues that generally have to be treated individually. Some problems it can cause: High Blood Pressure, Insulin Resistence, hirsutism, difficulty losing weight, little to no periods, abnormal hormone levels, etc. Of course, it can also cause fertility issues. Everyone is different.<br />
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I have known most of my life, due to this condition and having no periods, that I would need "assistance" in getting pregnant. My thoughts were that I could get pregnant, I would just need a little help from the medical world. Little did I know that life had a different path for me.<br />
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My husband and I started "trying" to get pregnant pretty much on our honeymoon April 2006. Nothing happened so shortly thereafter, we tried Clomid. After multiple rounds of clomid, complete with a bazillion ultrasounds, mood swings and crazy swings, still nothing. It appeared that I was ovulating on the Clomid, just no baby.<br />
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We were referred to a local fertility center where we began a more agressive approach. I'm not sure when this was exactly, maybe towards the beginning or middle of 2007. We did a few IUIs (Intrauterine Insemination). Nothing.<br />
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The fertility center did a semen check on my husband and found he had some issues with his "dudes". I believe he had low count, and just poor quality spermies. They suggested we try IVF. <br />
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...to be continued.Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4000827324354673088.post-61206466417134463162009-08-31T19:47:00.004-04:002009-09-03T07:42:37.766-04:00Allow me to introduce myself...<div style="text-align: justify;">Well, I'm taking the leap. Creating my first blog. I 'm an internet/google junkie, but stubbornly avoiding many of the new-fangled stuff. I can honestly say, I have never sent or received a text message and have no idea how to even begin to do either. My life is perfectly insane enough without adding text induced blindness and pre-mature arthritis.<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"></div><div style="text-align: justify;">What will this blog be about? Maybe it will list my daily food consumption. Maybe it will list my ideas to achieve world peace. Or, how about instructions on how to best count carpet threads? The only thing I know is that it will be brutally honest. I don't sugarcoat anything. I tell it like it is. No need to make things pretty when they are ugly. People generally don't like brutal honesty. That's ok. However, I would suggest you keep on a-blogging, as this maybe isn't a stop you will bond with. <br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"></div><div style="text-align: justify;">My point is, I think I would like the blog to take on it's own identity. Let's just see where it takes us, shall we...<br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;">Necessary boring background stuff:</div><div style="text-align: justify;"></div><div style="text-align: justify;">My name is Rachel. I'm 35. I'm married to the most amazing man in the world, Kelly, 39. He and I met via Yahoo Personals May 1999 and have been together ever since. We figured 7 years dating is good enough and did the marriage thing in 2006. <br />
</div><div style="text-align: justify;"></div><div style="text-align: justify;">We have a nice two-story house in Kentucky where our 2 dogs and cat allow us to live as long as we continue to pay the mortgage and feed them every day. How nice of them. Our dogs are 12lb Shih Tzus- Buster and Sophie. Binky_the_cat, I had before Kelly, and was nice enough to accept Kelly and, later, the dogs, into our world.<br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;"></div>Kelly and I both have jobs. We're employed middle class. We are not doctors, lawyers, mechanical engineers or McDonald's fry cooks. We are simply the average employed married couple trying to make it in this crazy world. (not that there's anything wrong with any of the above careers, of course)</div>Rachelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14555109075386941108noreply@blogger.com0